I have a confession- I love playing matchmaker. Ever since I could date, I have been trying to match up my friends with other friends- in fact, I'm trying to get two of them together now. Matchmaking in real life is difficult, to say the least. First, you have to simply coordinate a meeting. That is one of the hardest parts, especially if both people are busy. If the people don't live in the same city, such as the two aforementioned friends, it is nearly impossible. With technology today, long-distance relationships are more possible than ever before.
Perhaps one of the best things about Yumbunny is that it brings matchmaking to the technology age and, in the process, makes matchmaking as easy as a click of a button- literally. Instead of having to try to juggle busy schedules and put yourself in the middle of everything at first, all you have to do is get them (or even just one of them) to sign up for Yumbunny for free and then suggest them for each other through the Yum button on the widget. Then you're also not stuck as the liason as they get matched through Yumbunny. It takes the most frustrating aspect of setting up your friends and makes it not only easy but without any further needed involvement from you.
Networking sites are expanding social circles like crazy and with that, more of the difficult social interactions are aided immensely through online means. Matchmaking has finally been modernized for the 21st century and without the hassle associated with it in the past a comeback is certain.
2009-06-18
2009-06-17
Long-distance doesn't have to be a dealbreaker
Delaine from A Divorced Woman's blog poses the question about the viability of long-distance relationships in the long-term. In it she ponders how possible it is to overcome geographical distance in order to make a relationship work.
Honestly, it is equal parts planning and determination. I have known several people, myself included, who have traveled to close the distance in a long-distance relationship: three who have even moved to entirely different countries! When posed with the question, "How far would you travel to be with your soulmate?", many people would most likely say any distance.
First, the determination is necessary. Are both you and your lover willing to make compromises to make things work and be together? Are you both on the same page where future plans are concerned? It is extremely important that your level of dedication matches your partner's- or everything will fall apart in the end.
Secondly, planning is also very necessary. If moving to another country, what are the requirements of that country? Do you have the financial means to move and support yourself? Do you have dependents (children, elderly parents, etc) who will need to be accommodated? Are you both aware of, and reasonably prepared for, the changes ahead? Both people need to be realistic and in agreement with the planning, and it needs to be executed well, or the complications will put an immense amount of undue stress on both people.
Yes, things in long-distance relationships can be difficult, and extended visits are necessary to ensure that you can handle each other for longer than a brief encounter. However, it all boils down to one question: how far are you willing to travel to be with your soulmate? This is a question that can only be answered by every individual person, and the answer tells how well a long-distance relationship would work.
Honestly, it is equal parts planning and determination. I have known several people, myself included, who have traveled to close the distance in a long-distance relationship: three who have even moved to entirely different countries! When posed with the question, "How far would you travel to be with your soulmate?", many people would most likely say any distance.
First, the determination is necessary. Are both you and your lover willing to make compromises to make things work and be together? Are you both on the same page where future plans are concerned? It is extremely important that your level of dedication matches your partner's- or everything will fall apart in the end.
Secondly, planning is also very necessary. If moving to another country, what are the requirements of that country? Do you have the financial means to move and support yourself? Do you have dependents (children, elderly parents, etc) who will need to be accommodated? Are you both aware of, and reasonably prepared for, the changes ahead? Both people need to be realistic and in agreement with the planning, and it needs to be executed well, or the complications will put an immense amount of undue stress on both people.
Yes, things in long-distance relationships can be difficult, and extended visits are necessary to ensure that you can handle each other for longer than a brief encounter. However, it all boils down to one question: how far are you willing to travel to be with your soulmate? This is a question that can only be answered by every individual person, and the answer tells how well a long-distance relationship would work.
2009-06-12
How Yumbunny gets around the "chicken & egg" problem
Daniel Splittgerber wrote an interesting blog about the problems with online dating sites and coined the "chicken & egg problem" that befalls a vast majority of online dating sites. In his article he goes on to describe a number of serious issues with the user experience.
While reading it, I kept thinking, "We solved that! We don't do that!" and was rather excited that there was some outside insight that Yumbunny is going in the right direction. These are some things that Daniel suggested current sites do.
1. Create random encounters & utilize your pre-exisiting friends. One issue Daniel mentions is
We do exactly that- in fact, that is our very premise. We are more of an introduction service than a dating site. The whole concept revolves around getting your friends and family to match you AND suggest people they see for you. So you're getting connected to random people but through your already existing network. Our future features will make it even easier to get your friends and family in on matching you with other people.
In the process, we also sidestep a big problem in getting friends/family to introduce you in real-life which is the "circle rut" effect where you have a hard meeting people outside of your circle of connections. One of the commenters on Daniel's post mentioned this. The people that pop into your matchmaker widget are, by and large, NOT going to be people you already know. However, your matches are filtered by the people who know you the best- effectively giving your friends a larger and more varied pool from which to match you.
2. Avoid the automatic and make meeting people online more like meeting people in real life. One of the early points Daniel makes is that current dating sites are like walled gardens where you have to pay for entry and a computer does calculations to match you to people it thinks may have things in common with you. He mentions that real-life dating doesn't work that way at all.
Yumbunny doesn't have an access fee. You sign-up (which literally takes less than 2 minutes as you're not bogged down with a million questions and Twitter-like descriptions) and post your matchmaker. Your friends and others match you, and we email you the match reports every week. No fuss, no walled garden. In fact, ANYONE can see your matchmaking widget.
For that matter, you don't even have to be signed-up for Yumbunny! Your friend Jane comes to site and while having fun matching other people, sees someone she thinks would be perfect for you. Jane clicks the "Yum!" button under the person's picture, enters your email address- and bam, you're introduced without even having to be a member of the site.
How many times have you met someone new and thought, "This person would be SO PERFECT for my friend?" That's basically what Yumbunny does, only in an online way. So it acts like introductions do in the real world.
3. Sites need to be easily connected to other social networks. This is where a lot of dating websites (especially ones I saw mentioned in the comments to the blog) really try but miss the mark.
For instance, let's talk about a certain dating service who went on Facebook, bought pre-existing apps, shut down those apps, but then signed the users of those apps up for their service.
What happened was a lot of Facebook users got very angry and this service generated a lot of negative publicity for themselves. I personally know of a few people who complained directly to Facebook about having this app "steal" access and sign them up without their permission. So their plan to inflate their numbers with social networking backfired in an extraordinary way- they killed applications people liked AND signed them up for a service they didn't even want.
Then you have the flipside- dating sites that are exclusively Facebook applications (or MySpace applications, mobile apps, etc) that end up not working very well because of two big flaws: they are limited to the platforms which they are on (so if you don't have a Facebook/Myspace/etc. you're left out of it) and they don't allow for people to participate without installing the application. While lots of people like those applications, a lot of people- especially people who are currently in relationships- are NOT going to want to install a dating application.
Yumbunny is going to interface with other forms of media soon, and utilize these pre-existing networks. But we avoid those two major flaws because we are web-based and we don't make people sign up for or install anything to match or introduce people. Sally can match her friend online all day without every having to so as much give her name. There's no obligation and no exclusion- so everyone can have fun with it and at a level of activity with which they are comfortable.
One of the reasons we started Yumbunny was because we knew there was a better way to bring people together without utilizing the standard dating site formula- which may work for some but doesn't work for a lot of people. It really is energizing to see that someone thinks our concept is a great one without them ever having visited our site.
While reading it, I kept thinking, "We solved that! We don't do that!" and was rather excited that there was some outside insight that Yumbunny is going in the right direction. These are some things that Daniel suggested current sites do.
1. Create random encounters & utilize your pre-exisiting friends. One issue Daniel mentions is
"Technology has to replace those real life chance encounters... What online dating sites do is try to simulate meeting random people who have things in common with you. But what they currently do not do is to take advantage of your already existing social network."
We do exactly that- in fact, that is our very premise. We are more of an introduction service than a dating site. The whole concept revolves around getting your friends and family to match you AND suggest people they see for you. So you're getting connected to random people but through your already existing network. Our future features will make it even easier to get your friends and family in on matching you with other people.
In the process, we also sidestep a big problem in getting friends/family to introduce you in real-life which is the "circle rut" effect where you have a hard meeting people outside of your circle of connections. One of the commenters on Daniel's post mentioned this. The people that pop into your matchmaker widget are, by and large, NOT going to be people you already know. However, your matches are filtered by the people who know you the best- effectively giving your friends a larger and more varied pool from which to match you.
2. Avoid the automatic and make meeting people online more like meeting people in real life. One of the early points Daniel makes is that current dating sites are like walled gardens where you have to pay for entry and a computer does calculations to match you to people it thinks may have things in common with you. He mentions that real-life dating doesn't work that way at all.
"How it certainly doesn’t work is by going into a predefined building - sometimes even with an access fee - and only finding potential partners in there."
Yumbunny doesn't have an access fee. You sign-up (which literally takes less than 2 minutes as you're not bogged down with a million questions and Twitter-like descriptions) and post your matchmaker. Your friends and others match you, and we email you the match reports every week. No fuss, no walled garden. In fact, ANYONE can see your matchmaking widget.
For that matter, you don't even have to be signed-up for Yumbunny! Your friend Jane comes to site and while having fun matching other people, sees someone she thinks would be perfect for you. Jane clicks the "Yum!" button under the person's picture, enters your email address- and bam, you're introduced without even having to be a member of the site.
How many times have you met someone new and thought, "This person would be SO PERFECT for my friend?" That's basically what Yumbunny does, only in an online way. So it acts like introductions do in the real world.
3. Sites need to be easily connected to other social networks. This is where a lot of dating websites (especially ones I saw mentioned in the comments to the blog) really try but miss the mark.
For instance, let's talk about a certain dating service who went on Facebook, bought pre-existing apps, shut down those apps, but then signed the users of those apps up for their service.
What happened was a lot of Facebook users got very angry and this service generated a lot of negative publicity for themselves. I personally know of a few people who complained directly to Facebook about having this app "steal" access and sign them up without their permission. So their plan to inflate their numbers with social networking backfired in an extraordinary way- they killed applications people liked AND signed them up for a service they didn't even want.
Then you have the flipside- dating sites that are exclusively Facebook applications (or MySpace applications, mobile apps, etc) that end up not working very well because of two big flaws: they are limited to the platforms which they are on (so if you don't have a Facebook/Myspace/etc. you're left out of it) and they don't allow for people to participate without installing the application. While lots of people like those applications, a lot of people- especially people who are currently in relationships- are NOT going to want to install a dating application.
Yumbunny is going to interface with other forms of media soon, and utilize these pre-existing networks. But we avoid those two major flaws because we are web-based and we don't make people sign up for or install anything to match or introduce people. Sally can match her friend online all day without every having to so as much give her name. There's no obligation and no exclusion- so everyone can have fun with it and at a level of activity with which they are comfortable.
One of the reasons we started Yumbunny was because we knew there was a better way to bring people together without utilizing the standard dating site formula- which may work for some but doesn't work for a lot of people. It really is energizing to see that someone thinks our concept is a great one without them ever having visited our site.
2009-06-10
When the future is interrupted by the present
Amore Magazine had a good Dear Denise relationship question regarding a woman who was concerned by the fact that her current beau was going through a divorce and it had not been finalized.
This is a good topic because it's a situation that many people find themselves in at one point or another. It is also a potentially tricky, and possibly explosive, situation that can put the breaks quickly on a budding romance. Before deciding to go forth with your desired, you should ask yourself the following questions.
1. Is the person ending the relationship because of me or were they thinking about it before? If you are the primary reason for the relationship disintegrating, you might want to consider potential hits to your personal reputation.
2. Are the problems worth the rewards? Breakups are usually messy, even without other people involved. Take off the rose-colored glasses & truly consider if this relationship is worth all of the potential issues.
3. Is the person truly ending the other relationship? You should only believe actions here, not words. He/she can say it is over but until he/she moves out, files for divorce, etc. there is absolutely no guarantee- or motivation. The other person may avoid ending things because they are "having the cake & ice cream too".
4. What do my friends & family think? Let's face it, when you're infatuated you aren't thinking clearly. Get some fresh insight on your situation from those who care about you.
5. How will this relationship impact your life? Take a good look at the other person's life and goals. Also keep in mind that the behavior regarding the discarded relationship could play out in yours as well.
Whenever navigating into "occupied waters", it is best to proceed with caution. The more people involved, the more potential problems. As cool as the other person may be, remember that there could be an equally cool person out there that isn't burdened with personal baggage.
This is a good topic because it's a situation that many people find themselves in at one point or another. It is also a potentially tricky, and possibly explosive, situation that can put the breaks quickly on a budding romance. Before deciding to go forth with your desired, you should ask yourself the following questions.
1. Is the person ending the relationship because of me or were they thinking about it before? If you are the primary reason for the relationship disintegrating, you might want to consider potential hits to your personal reputation.
2. Are the problems worth the rewards? Breakups are usually messy, even without other people involved. Take off the rose-colored glasses & truly consider if this relationship is worth all of the potential issues.
3. Is the person truly ending the other relationship? You should only believe actions here, not words. He/she can say it is over but until he/she moves out, files for divorce, etc. there is absolutely no guarantee- or motivation. The other person may avoid ending things because they are "having the cake & ice cream too".
4. What do my friends & family think? Let's face it, when you're infatuated you aren't thinking clearly. Get some fresh insight on your situation from those who care about you.
5. How will this relationship impact your life? Take a good look at the other person's life and goals. Also keep in mind that the behavior regarding the discarded relationship could play out in yours as well.
Whenever navigating into "occupied waters", it is best to proceed with caution. The more people involved, the more potential problems. As cool as the other person may be, remember that there could be an equally cool person out there that isn't burdened with personal baggage.
2009-06-09
Love, money, and attitude
Yesterday, David Wygant's blog had a good piece about how love is free and the key to success being your attitude, not what is in your bank account.
More than one person has bemoaned their current fiscal situation and let it essentially slam the breaks on their lovelife. I made a previous post on inexpensive dates. The key being, of course, that spending time together is the most important aspect. While I can't speak for men on this, I can say that women (well, the ones you want to be in a relationship with) are much more impressed by actions than by material possessions. If this isn't the case, and the woman is more concerned with how much money you can spend on her, this is a HUGE red flag to drop her and get far, far away.
Granted, women do like little gifts but these don't have to cost anything at all. A heartfelt letter, for instance, is worth much more than a dozen roses. A surprise visit, a massage after a hard day of work, or even just offering to do a chore that she normally has to do can add romance without costing you a dime.
As David so eloquently put, hearts can't be bought. They are won- and through methods that don't cost any money at all. Thoughtful actions are one of the cornerstones of building a good relationship.
Another good point mentioned in the article is changing one's own attitude. While I don't necessarily agree with the adage that you have to love yourself before you can love others, it is very true that your projected self-image can play an important role in attracting people to you. As mentioned in the previous "Singling Out Single Parents" blog, no one likes to be around someone who is negative all the time. However, in order for your attitude to change, you need to do something TO change it- otherwise you'll fall back into the same rut. Go different places, meet new people, try something fun and new (like Yumbunny) and overall, invest in yourself. If you take the time to invest in yourself, someone else will want to invest in you as well.
Money may "make the world go 'round" but love is the one arena where it turns up powerless. Turn your lemons into lemonade and use this time to show that it really is the thought that counts- whether applied to someone else or to yourself.
More than one person has bemoaned their current fiscal situation and let it essentially slam the breaks on their lovelife. I made a previous post on inexpensive dates. The key being, of course, that spending time together is the most important aspect. While I can't speak for men on this, I can say that women (well, the ones you want to be in a relationship with) are much more impressed by actions than by material possessions. If this isn't the case, and the woman is more concerned with how much money you can spend on her, this is a HUGE red flag to drop her and get far, far away.
Granted, women do like little gifts but these don't have to cost anything at all. A heartfelt letter, for instance, is worth much more than a dozen roses. A surprise visit, a massage after a hard day of work, or even just offering to do a chore that she normally has to do can add romance without costing you a dime.
As David so eloquently put, hearts can't be bought. They are won- and through methods that don't cost any money at all. Thoughtful actions are one of the cornerstones of building a good relationship.
Another good point mentioned in the article is changing one's own attitude. While I don't necessarily agree with the adage that you have to love yourself before you can love others, it is very true that your projected self-image can play an important role in attracting people to you. As mentioned in the previous "Singling Out Single Parents" blog, no one likes to be around someone who is negative all the time. However, in order for your attitude to change, you need to do something TO change it- otherwise you'll fall back into the same rut. Go different places, meet new people, try something fun and new (like Yumbunny) and overall, invest in yourself. If you take the time to invest in yourself, someone else will want to invest in you as well.
Money may "make the world go 'round" but love is the one arena where it turns up powerless. Turn your lemons into lemonade and use this time to show that it really is the thought that counts- whether applied to someone else or to yourself.
2009-06-08
Arranged marriages via reality television
An interesting blog post caught my eye over at the Single Shot Seattle blog. Apparently there are reality shows in the works where women are volunteering to be married to men they have never met (and, of course, vice versa as the men have never met them either).
Reality television has brought society many things and now is dipping its toes into a tradition that was widely practiced in humanity's past and is still practiced by many cultures today. However, the cultural idea in America stands firmly behind "marrying for love" or getting the know the person first and then marrying them.
"Arranged relationships" are becoming even more common with the onslaught of online dating. Yumbunny, for instance, introduces people who may have never met, using other humans to choose the best matches for the person. While, obviously, there is a lot more freedom in modern times, the concept of having friends and family aid in finding you a good match is almost as old as human reckoning.
The problem with some online dating sites is that it is all cold and mechanical. You fill out a survey, which doesn't have you go into in-depth answers, and it spits out "matches" based on how many people answered similarly. The problem with this is that what you consider to be "I like children" may not what the other person had in mind. Then you're left wasting your time with someone you think is perfect but who really isn't anywhere close.
It is curious how these marriages will be arranged. If the television producers are going for the outcome with the highest probability for disaster and unpredictability, they will probably use those same mechanical methods. Perhaps they will use people who will try to come up with similar results of wild unpredictability. If they do use friends and family, perhaps there will be a good outcome and it will show that using people to make matches is the preferred way.
Reality television has brought society many things and now is dipping its toes into a tradition that was widely practiced in humanity's past and is still practiced by many cultures today. However, the cultural idea in America stands firmly behind "marrying for love" or getting the know the person first and then marrying them.
"Arranged relationships" are becoming even more common with the onslaught of online dating. Yumbunny, for instance, introduces people who may have never met, using other humans to choose the best matches for the person. While, obviously, there is a lot more freedom in modern times, the concept of having friends and family aid in finding you a good match is almost as old as human reckoning.
The problem with some online dating sites is that it is all cold and mechanical. You fill out a survey, which doesn't have you go into in-depth answers, and it spits out "matches" based on how many people answered similarly. The problem with this is that what you consider to be "I like children" may not what the other person had in mind. Then you're left wasting your time with someone you think is perfect but who really isn't anywhere close.
It is curious how these marriages will be arranged. If the television producers are going for the outcome with the highest probability for disaster and unpredictability, they will probably use those same mechanical methods. Perhaps they will use people who will try to come up with similar results of wild unpredictability. If they do use friends and family, perhaps there will be a good outcome and it will show that using people to make matches is the preferred way.
2009-06-04
Singling out the single parent
Today's post over at the Dating Service blog mentioned a scant few websites that have communities for single parents or cater to single parents looking for partners.
There are several reasons why a single parent would want to avoid sites like those. Having personally been in the "single parent" community in the past, I found that dating within those circles is a bad idea.
1. Don't date your support group. What do single parents complain about to other single parents? The same things- child problems, ex problems, etc. Now imagine hearing those complaints over dinner, after watching a movie, etc. Then things don't work out, and suddenly you feel uncomfortable being around a group or community where you once found support.
2. Emotional baggage- NOT a good thing to have in common. So you're a single parent. You have problems struggling with work life, home life, and possibly dealing with a problematic ex-spouse. Now take those problems and multiply them by 2. I have seen more than one relationship collapse under the stress of trying to juggle multiple children with different visitation schedules, one or more exes causing serious problems, and the other legal and emotional entanglements that come with single parenthood.
3. It isn't good for your self-esteem. One thing I noticed about single parents and dating is the high prevalence of being stressed-out and having a low self-esteem. Finding love again is hard enough without feeling that you're only "good enough" for people who have the same issues as you- and the self-esteem can suffer an even harder blow if the people you come across are feeling the same way. The key is to mix it up, to reinvent yourself. You need to break out of the "oh well, I have a kid so I guess I'll have to settle" misconception. Mingling primarily with other single parents won't do you any favors.
4. Parent does NOT equal desperate. Akin to #3, single parent communities can also encourage the "desperation" effect. Once you've fallen into the depressing "only other single parents would want me" misconception, the feelings of inadequacy turn into feelings of desperation. This, in turn, can cause you to settle for someone that isn't good for you or continually find yourself running into a "relationship brick wall" as you can't seem to find anyone that clicks with you. If you purposely single yourself out as a single parent, you are intentionally digging that rut for yourself.
5. The best person for you may not be a single parent. Several single parents, myself included, have fallen in love with and married people who didn't have children. If you limit yourself to one specific group or type of person, you're holding yourself back from finding the person who is best for you.
The best way for a single parent to approach dating is to get yourself out there and most importantly, have fun with it. Yumbunny, for instance, is just a fun way to meet new people. Sites that throw everyone into the mix actually raise your chances of finding someone who is compatible with you. The problem with sites that use cold computers to do love calculations is that a person who looks "perfect" for you on paper may drive you crazy in actuality- and those impersonal calculations will keep matching you with the same type of disaster. The more seriously you take dating, the more disappointing it will be. Keep your chin up, be optimistic, and try new things.
2009-06-02
Compare this!
The Geeks' Dream Girl blog had a straightforward post about checking out your 'competition' on dating sites and why it isn't a very good idea.
I will admit that, back in my single days, I was guilty of doing the exact same thing. The outcome was, predictably, always the same: I always felt I didn't measure up to them. When looking from the outside, and especially if you don't have a whole lot of confidence anyway, it seems like everyone is smarter, funnier, and more intelligent.
The key is to remember that everyone is attracted to different people. You may not be the "perfect catch" by the wholly unattainable standards you see portrayed in the media or modern culture, but NO ONE is. Everyone has things about themselves that they don't like, and everyone- no matter how perfect they seem- has flaws. The trick is finding someone who knows your flaws and can stand you anyway. No one is universally appealing to everyone. So keep your head high and realize that it all comes down to finding the right person.
I will admit that, back in my single days, I was guilty of doing the exact same thing. The outcome was, predictably, always the same: I always felt I didn't measure up to them. When looking from the outside, and especially if you don't have a whole lot of confidence anyway, it seems like everyone is smarter, funnier, and more intelligent.
The key is to remember that everyone is attracted to different people. You may not be the "perfect catch" by the wholly unattainable standards you see portrayed in the media or modern culture, but NO ONE is. Everyone has things about themselves that they don't like, and everyone- no matter how perfect they seem- has flaws. The trick is finding someone who knows your flaws and can stand you anyway. No one is universally appealing to everyone. So keep your head high and realize that it all comes down to finding the right person.
2009-06-01
Unwanted Gifts
An amusing post over at the Dating Is Weird blog reminded me of similar situations myself and friends of mine have experienced in regards to gifts received from former flames.
The bottom line is that unless you are still friends with, and regularly talk to, someone you recently stopped dating, don't send her gifts. The less time you dated, the less likely you should send anything at all. Give it a bit of time and then cultivate a friendship. Random gifts to someone you're no longer dating can come across as creepy or harassing- two adjectives which which you definitely don't want association!
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