Focusing on what is

I stumbled upon an interesting article about two phrases to eliminate from your relationships over at The Spiritual Eclectic blog. The author talks about how people tend to write off problems in relationships by saying the relationship would be better or would be easier if some factor not within the relationship was different. For instance, saying that the relationship would be better if the person didn't work all the time.

While this may be the case, it is important to focus on what is. The sheer fact of the matter is that you cannot change anyone but yourself. To that end, what you can change is how you react to something. For instance, if you have a problem with your romantic interest working all the time, you need to realize that a new job may not even change this. People are what they are. Either you accept the present for what it is, or cut your losses and move forward.

Honesty is the best policy... from the start.

There is an interesting article regarding questions to help solve relationship problems at the All About Love and Dating Blog.

Half of the article is about honesty in the relationship and concerning things that the person in the relationship has not been honest regarding. The last line is thus:

Muster up the courage to tell them what you’ve lied about. Repeat to yourself, "No matter what happens, I will be okay."

While this is great advice for a relationship that may already be in trouble due to lies (either intentional or lies by omission), this translates to wonderful dating advice: Don't lie. Be honest about things up front so you don't have a mess later.

Many a romantic comedy is based on one of the party not following this, and crazy hijinks ensue as the other person invariably figures out the lies and the other person tries to cover them up with more lies or such. In the end, there's a big blow-up but things are forgiven for the sake of love, and there's a happy ending.

In this regard, Hollywood has failed miserably in showing what happens in real life: the couple splits up and the reputation of the liar may even be ruined.

"Grace" started dating "Dan" and lied about a few "little things" such as her actual age (she told him she was 3 years older then she was), why her last relationship ended (she stalked her boyfriend and he had to take a restraining order against her- she said their lives were too different), and about her parents (she told him they had passed away, in reality they lived a nearby town and he was a pastor of a large church but had not spoken in years). She figured these little white lies were easier to explain than the truth.

The problem was that as the relationship went on, Grace had to tell Dan more lies to keep the original lies she had told him going. Eventually, Dan got too suspicious as some inconsistencies popped up in her stories. A little searching revealed she was not being honest. Despite them loving each other, and living together at this point, Dan's trust in her was shattered. He broke things off with her, moved out, and Grace was left kicking herself and wishing she had just told the truth from the beginning.

Your date doesn't need to know the nitty-gritty of your life story on the first date. If questions are asked, however, don't lie. If you don't feel comfortable talking about it or it is a long story, simply say so. It will save you a lot more hassle in the long run and keep the trust in the relationship intact. Relationships are partnerships and trust is part of the foundation.

Dating Dealbreakers

There is a funny and insightful piece on YourTango by Michael Shnayerson about 12 Relationship Red Flags. These are things that he believes are signs that your relationship (or potential relationship) is more headed towards disaster than dream. While he admits a lot of it is subjective (as one person may find another's "dealbreaker" as attractive), some of the red flags are pretty good for most anyone.

For instance, your date being rude to waiters or others in the service industry. The thought that you should judge a person's character by how they treat those they perceive as inferior rather than equal rings true universally. If a person looks down upon, and is rude to, those who provide them service, how do you think that person will treat you after, say, a disagreement? If a person can't remain civil to someone who is being nothing but nice to them, you have to question what would compel them to be nasty for no reason- and the answers are fraught with neurosis and personality disorders.

Another good piece of advice is to steer clear from adults whose parents still control their lives. Speaking from more personal experience than one of my close friends would want me to divulge, I can wholeheartedly vouch for this one. If all it takes is one call from Mommy to make him go from Prince Charming to Prince Spineless, leave the mama's boy and his still-firmly-attached apron strings behind. Of course, not being sexist here- this also goes for women whose father, mother, or both still call the shots. Another friend of mine, now divorced and in her 40s, had her entire courtship, engagement, wedding, and most of her marriage directly influenced or controlled by her mother. Needless to say, her now-ex-husband eventually got fed up of it.

Much of the other flags are fairly good as well: poorly behaved or spiteful children, dates who stiff you money-wise, people who constantly bad talk their exes (which I mentioned as a "do not" earlier here on the Yumbunny blog), people who have a history of many short-term relationships, and people who care more about their pets than people. (Honestly, this could also apply to people who care more about video games than their date sitting right there in the room with them, but I digress.) The other ones are more of a matter of personal preference, I believe, for the author but not bad ones to heed nonetheless.

When navigating the dating scene, one of the first things you should do is write down a list of your own dealbreakers: things that you really cannot live with in another person. While you may meed someone who is so cool you are willing to ignore one of your dealbreakers (like the author of the linked piece did), it serves as a good starting point for what you don't want in another person.

The Little Things

There's a saying that it's the little things that can matter most and that is very true. When dating, or in a relationship, after a while the newness wears off and a routine of sorts is formed. One of the things many couples lose is these aforementioned "little things." Whether it's one person giving the other a quick kiss on the cheek for no reason, an offer to massage the other after a hard day, or just picking up your partner's favorite treat on the way home, a lot of couples instead focus on larger things. While this isn't bad in and of itself, giving gifts/doing things on major holidays often seems more like an obligation than voluntary.

A friend of mine and her husband don't celebrate Valentine's Day. Why? Because they strive to treat every day as Valentine's Day and do something special for one another. This is the whole essence of the point- don't wait for a special day to show that you care. You can make someone's day simply by doing one of the "little things".

Your Friends & Your Date: The Ex

In a previous post here at the Yumbunny blog, it was recommended that you don't date the ex partner of one of your close friends.

To expand on this, it's also a good idea to not date the close friend of a recent ex of yours either. While sometimes it is worth the potential drama, this is a situation that needs to be handled gently in order to prevent a social disaster that can not only lose some of your friends but your reputation as well.

First, don't jump from one to another. Even if you are both crazy about each other, take some time away and distance yourself for a while. Let you (or the other person) close ties with any previous relationships and spend some time transitioning back to single life.

A good rule of thumb: the longer the couple in question has been together, the longer the transition time should be- about 1 or 2 months for every year. So if, say, you and your ex-boyfriend were together for 2 years, wait at least 4 or so months before you openly begin dating his friends. If a marriage is involved, its generally wise to start this timer after the divorce is actually finalized.

Secondly, don't bring other friends in to choose sides. Keep other people out of it as much as possible. If you air dirty laundry to others, you may eventually find your own unmentionables being aired- so to speak. Keep it discreet.

Finally, don't badmouth the others in the situation. Take the high road. Even if you (or your interest's) ex is acting horribly and immature, realize that when it comes to affairs of the heart that people do not act as they normally would. Instead, say nothing or only say positives about the other person.

In the end, this is a situation that really needs to be handled with grace. The sayings "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" and "time heals all wounds" may sound cliche but they should be your motto when dealing dating and ex-partners.

Your Friends & Your Date: Office Gossip

Many people have friends where they work. Sometimes these friends are just people one sees at work, other times co-workers can become very close friends. However, as tempting as it may be to fill your friend in on your love life at work, there are several reasons to wait until after hours.

1. Your reputation.
More than one person has discovered that intimate details of their private lives, especially love life, can negatively impact a professional reputation. Nothing spreads faster than office gossip and even if your friend is discreet, it doesn't mean the person in the cubicle across from hers is.

2. Work email spreads faster.
If you're a fan of the NBC show "The Office", you may recall the episode where Michael (the boss) accidentally sends a picture of he and his boss sunbathing on a beach. By the end of the day, the picture was blown up to gigantic size and put on the wall of a warehouse. Now while that scenario is a little extreme, lesser extreme scenarios have happened. Whether it is accidentally sending a "reply to all", accidentally sending it to an inter-office group mailing list, or having your co-worker friend do similarly, there is a lot of room for a mistake to be made that can cause you embarrassment.

3. It's a small, small world.
A friend of mine learned this lesson the hard way. After dating a guy for two weeks, she was considering whether or not she wanted it to continue. She discussed her conundrum with one of her friends at work. That night, the guy called her and broke off things entirely because it turned out his sister had overheard the conversation. My friend had no idea that his sister worked for the same company, and her date didn't appreciate the way she talked about him.

4. The big, green monster.
This "monster" is jealousy and it has wrecked havoc on people's lives since the beginning of time. Once again, you truly never know who is listening when it comes to chit-chat at work. The more of your personal life you divulge, the more others will become interested in it. If it turns out that someone in a position of power within your company becomes agitated with you, it could severely impact your career.

Speaking from personal experience, I know how terrific it is to have friends at work and how tempting it is to tell them all about your latest date. However, remember that even in the most casual offices, your private life is best kept private.

Your Friends & Your Date: First Meeting

This is the first blog in a series about various issues dealing with your friends and the people you date.

When you're excited about a new person, you often can't wait for them to meet your friends. The best time for this to happen is very early in the dating relationship. Some people prefer to have first dates be double or group dates to help mitigate nervousness and any potential for trouble. Just be sure to let your date know beforehand if other people will be there.

The second through fourth dates, however, are not a good time to introduce friends. These dates are critical in determining chemistry and interest between the two of you. After this level of comfortability has been established, it's good to let your friends get an impression of your new interest as well.

Don't wait too long for the introductions! Your friends may also be able to see things in your date that could be problematic- especially if you're quite smitten with the person. Hearing their opinions and concerns could save you from a lot of heartache later.

Meeting your date's friends is also a bit of a turning point within the datig relationship. It signifies that the person thinks enough of you that he/she isn't afraid to have you meet the people closest to him/her. In addition, it may publically establish you as dating (but not necessarily in a relationship). It is also a "tell tale" sign the other way: if you've been dating for a while and haven't met his/her friends, your date is either not serious about you or may be hiding something (like a spouse he/she forgot to mention!)

Starting a conversation

Say you've been matched up with someone again on Yumbunny. The person looks cool and interesting, but you want your message to stand out to them. Realizing that some people probably get a good number of messages (but not as many as you might think), you want your message to stand out amongst the rest.

First, start off with a common interest. Say one of the person's likes is Monty Python. You could start it off with a joke from there, like "No one ever expects the Spanish Inquisition!". Breaking the ice with a common "like" or interest is always a good way to go because it establishes a common ground.

Secondly, put a bit of humor into it. Even if you aren't the wittiest person on the planet, a little bit of non-offensive humor goes a long way. Making a person laugh, or at least smile, is a good way to get a positive first impression.

DON'T be cocky or arrogant. As I mentioned in a previous post, someone is actually encouraging men to be cocky/arrogant when contacting women. One of the things I've noticed when matching people is that a majority of people don't like mean people or arrogant/cocky people. So why start things off by being a jerk? Sure, the shock value may get some attention but it isn't the attention you want.

Finally, be yourself but be brief. Throw out a line, so to speak, and inject a little bit of your personality into it. Don't bother with a long message at this point- just enough to get the person interested. 5-6 lines is probably best to open the door.

Overall, remember that everyone is afraid of rejection. Contacting someone online on a website like Yumbunny is one of the easier ways to gauge a person's interest while mitigating potential for rejection. So go ahead and get yourself out there- you'll never know unless you try.

Dress for success

So you've been talking to someone fun on Yumbunny and you both decide to take it from online to real-life. The day has arrived for you to meet this person you've been chatting with and see if the online sparks translate to in-person sparks.

Only one problem- what do you wear?

First impressions are definitely important and one of the first things your date is going to see is going to be what you are wearing. While it's important to wear something flattering, it's also important to not go overboard. Several guys, and girls, have seen a date go from promising to sour because one person decided to use the date as an opportunity to get experimental with the wardrobe.

First, pick something appropriate to the occasion and season. If you're going to a coffee shop at night in the summer time, a nice shirt and a pair of jeans is perfectly appropriate. If it looks like it's going to be chilly, take along a jacket or a sweater.

Secondly, dress comfortably. If you're uncomfortable, your date can sense it. While you do want to look your best, wearing something that makes you shift repeatedly or shoes that you can't walk more than a few steps in is going to impact your date more negatively than the positive of the look. Wear something that fits well and that you won't need to mess with all night.

Follow the "moderation rule"- nothing too short, too tight, or too low-cut. For a first date, you want to err on the side of conservative. The last thing you want is for something to show that shouldn't- whether it's an unintentional bulge from changing your position or an undergarment.

Run your outfit by a friend or two beforehand and get them to give their honest opinion. It never hurts to get a second opinion!

Finally, dress with your own style. While sticking to the other guidelines, wear something that reflects you and your personality.

Overall, the key is to be comfortable with what you are wearing. First dates are hard enough, and a "wardrobe malfunction" is the last thing you need!