Breaking Out Of The Mold

Three years ago, a friend of mine lamented that she had yet to have any relationship work. She had dated quite a few people but in the end, it all ended the same.

I outlined for her that she tended to date the same type of guy and hence this is why every relationship ended in failure. She then made a list of all those qualities and decided to not date a guy who fit that profile again. A few months later she ran into a guy who was not at all like a guy she would normally be interested in and decided to give him a chance. Today they are a couple.

Had she continued dating "her type", she would not be happily married today. She would keep repeating the same mistakes with the same type of people.

To find out if you're sabotaging your happiness by being stuck in a mold, do the following:

1. Make a list of all the things you want in a mate.
2. Make lists for the last few relationships that you have been in (and, obviously, that failed) and put down the things (good and bad) about your ex-partners.
3. Compare the lists of the ex-partners- do you see a trend?
4. Make a profile of "your type". Then make a conscious decision to stop dating that type.

If someone new approaches you, give it a shot. The worst that happens is that you've made a new friend and the best that happens is that you've broken out of your "type" and potentially found your soulmate.

Investing in unhappiness

The Bitter Single Guy gave a particularly good response to a woman who complains that she is miserable with her ex-fiance and miserable without him.

To highlight one of the best quotes:

"The logic there is that if you’ve invested 7 years in your unhappiness you deserve to be unhappy…what…forever?"

I have had so many friends of mine try to use this logic when I tell them they should leave the person who is making them unhappy. "But I've invested (a house, X number of years, X number of money, etc) into this relationship!"

No amount of investment is worth constant unhappiness.

Period. End of story. Say this to yourself every single day. Simply put, life is too short. You have a limited amount of time alive on Earth. Whether you live for another 50 years or 50 days, your days are numbered. Why spend another second of it being miserable?

If he/she makes you miserable during the relationship, you will come back to he/she making you miserable again.

Some people simply aren't compatible- and that's okay. Sometimes you just can't make a relationship work with someone. Everyone gets into patterns with other people where they feel comfortable and are comfortable being unhappy. But WHY be unhappy? The "investment" isn't an investment if it's making you miserable- it's a liability.

If you keep finding yourself going back, you need to break off ties completely with the person. Move to another city. No more contacting, no more "getting back together." Your life is like a train... and simply put, you need to change the track.

Nice Girls Finish Last?

There is a rather interesting blog post over at the Project Happily Ever After blog. I personally really identified with the "nice girl" she describes.

What is a nice girl? This author defines her as someone who is basically often accommodating. Specifically she says the typical nice girl is agreeable, dependable, non-abrasive, and complimentary. I'd, however, like to change "dependable" to "over-committed" because if the girl is as she describes and "...people could count on me to accomplish anything they needed done..." then that also goes without saying that the person is going to over-commit themselves.

There are a few ideas discussed this article that don't appear to hold water in some situations.

"It took many more years for me to realize that doing the opposite—having the courage to be myself and stick up for myself—would not necessarily make people dislike me. If anything, it endeared me to more people than ever."

This may be correct for some people but it isn't true for many. Many people would rather see a smiling, inoffensive person. People who "make waves" cause stress for other people. If you tell someone you are angry at them, they will often be angry at you as well. People are great mirrors- they will often mirror back how you treat them. This means that in the end, many people don't WANT real. They want to see what they want to see and want to hear what they want to hear. Now, of course there are exceptions to this rule, but on a whole the only people who want to hear your problems are paid professionals and the only thing telling the ugly truth will get you is your significant other giving you the silent treatment.

Of course, if your crowd of people is comprised primarily of other people who are "real" and give each other the ugly truth without consequence, the above scenario works. For most of us, however, we are surrounded by regular people who are busy with their own lives and don't need another burden to carry.

There's also another personality type that the author disregards and that is the person who is only truly happy when they are helping other people. If you fit into this personality type, sucking in all the negativity and only projecting the positive is pretty much the only way you will consistently make people happy. Even then, it is utterly impossible to please everyone but your odds are higher if you are Little Miss Sunshine.

Another argument that can be thrown out there is that some people like finishing last. Similar to the above personality type, there are some women who would rather have others be the strong personalities and follow those. Women who are in relationships with "alpha" types have to take this role because even if they do assert themselves, they end up losing.

In the end, all relationships (dating, friendship, etc) come down to compatibility. Not everyone will be happier from asserting themselves, especially if they surround themselves with "alpha" personalities. Some people enjoy being as accommodating as they can be. Others may find that self-assertiveness works in their situation. It all depends on the individual's life and the people in the individual's life. Like everything, one size doesn't fit all.

Don't settle for second best

There is a great article on the Single Parents Unite blog about the dating challenges faced by single parents.

Dating is hard. Dating with kids is harder. Trust me on this one.

Most single people have already decided whether or not they'd be willing to date someone with kids. While that doesn't usually change, it can. I don't think my husband ever envisioned being a stepfather. It's all about meeting the right person.

The blog post mentions some really good tips for single parents. My favorite quote from it, however, is pretty universal advice: "don't settle for second best because of your situation."

I think this can apply to everyone, honestly. I think most people have been in relationships where the other person was consistently and blatantly inconsiderate (or worse). One person or the other (or both) is pretty miserable and all the people around the couple are wondering (aloud or to themselves) WHY the people stay together.

Brass tacks here- if you're miserable, either change it or end it. Life is too short to be in a relationship that is toxic. If you want to change it, keep in mind that it takes two to change. Go to a professional counselor and both people need to make an effort to change it.

If you end it, end it. Don't make it harder on both people by stringing things along because you don't have the courage to let it go. If they won't let go, you may need to cut off all contact with them entirely. Sometimes you really do have to do this in order for the other person to move on with their life.

Regardless of your situation, don't settle for second best. There are plenty of single people out there, really. If you know it isn't going anywhere, or if you dread seeing the person, it's time to go. Sometimes you need to realize that the investment is no longer worthwhile. You just need to cut your losses, chalk it up to experience, and leave.

Sometimes, they really ARE trapped under something heavy!

A few days ago, I hurt my back pretty badly. While I'm still not near 100%, I am partially back to work and was welcomed with quite a few messages from Yumbunny users. I apologized for taking so long to get back to them and explained my situation. However, I couldn't help but think of how many times excuses are used to explain away lack of contact and how many of those are genuine.

Several of my girlfriends have talked about guys who weren't into them and used excuses like illness when confronted as to why they didn't call, canceled a date, etc. Of these times, the excuses were rarely legitimate and were easily discovered to be false. If you're going to lie to someone about why you didn't call, why wouldn't you at least try to make some effort to make it not so obvious that it's a lie? Telling someone you have the flu and then partying down at the club where you met them is not exactly the best idea.

On the other hand, I know from personal experience that sometimes you want to contact someone but can't. Back injury can happen suddenly and you really can't do anything for a few days. Actual influenza or strep throat can also come on suddenly and leave you wanting to do nothing more than curl into your bed in the fetal position for a few days.

So, instead of writing the person off that they aren't into you, give them the benefit of the doubt and wait a week or so after initial contact. Who knows? They might actually be laid up in bed or so swamped with work that they can't get back to you right away.

Approach Someone New (Online or Off)

There is an article entitled "Is Approach Fear Halting Your Success" on the Kelsey Publishing Knowledge Base Blog where the author theorizes that the fear of being judged by others is the primary reason why men don't approach women.

Having been surrounded by men most of my life (only girl with two brothers) and having numerous male friends, I disagree with this. The fear of rejection and the effect that has on a guy's self-esteem is the primary reason. Guys who are self-confident and self-assured may not really understand this (and the author of the article even acknowledges this).

When it comes to anxiety in social situations, telling people to "buck up and do it" is unrealistic. Not only is anxiety a very real thing (some people have to take prescription medicines because it interferes with their daily lives) but most people can't accomplish it overnight or even at the well-meaning insistence of an internet blog article.

Part of overcoming the fear of rejection is understanding that everyone, no matter how self-assured, does not like being rejected. It's one of those universal human experiences.

Start small- start online where you can throw out a line but not have to deal with the awkwardness of being shut down in real life. Once you get more comfortable with conversing with people online, it will be easier to move to the next step.

Approach people in places where you feel familiar and comfortable. Maybe it's a book shop or a coffee shop you frequent, or maybe it's your place of worship. Either way, it's a lot easier to work up the courage to approach someone in a location where you feel comfortable.

Some people never get past those two points and are able to approach attractive strangers anywhere- and that is perfectly fine. The more you stress yourself out about approaching people and turn it into a negative experience, the less likely you'll be to ever want it to do it again. Also remember that setting a good first impression is important. Forcing yourself to do something that causes you to be extremely uncomfortable will show and send negative signals to the person you're approaching- and this could actually have the opposite effect of what you're trying to accomplish.

To summarize- start small and work your way up as much as you're comfortable. There is no "one size fits all" when it comes to social situations. Whatever you do, don't turn it into a super stressful or negative experience. Remember that no one likes to be rejected so you're not alone. Most importantly, no matter how you do it, approach as many people as you can because this will increase your chances of finding your soulmate.

Dating- Who makes the rules?

I recently came across this comment on Reddit (as well as several others talking about "selfish American women":

You fail because you don't play her game. Dating is a girls game and they make the rules. The only way to win is not play the game. Sooner or later they will figue it out. Most already have by the time they are 30.

(It was in response to this blog post on YouCantDate about why guys fail at dating.)

While some women do play games, pretty much any woman with whom you'd like to have a lasting relationship does not. Even women who read things like "The Rules" and other self-help books won't follow them if she's interested in the guy.

Here is an example of an average woman's thought processes from first meeting to marriage.

1st Impression - Gets Message From Guy on Yumbunny
"Oh how sweet- he said I was pretty. He's into computers and video games. I like video games. I wonder what he plays? Oh, he has nice eyes. His nose is a little big but who cares. Okay, I'll write him back. Let's see- nothing too forward, but definitely show interest. I hope he writes back soon."

She Gets a Response:
"Is it too early to write him back? How soon can I contact him without him thinking I'm too clingy or needy? What if he doesn't like me in person? What if he sees me and is like, 'ugh'?"

First Date:
"I hope my hair looks okay. He's got a great laugh. I hope he calls me."

2 hours after the date:
"Okay, don't call him. Don't call him. He'll be put-off, he'll think you're needy. Do something else, but keep the phone nearby just in case he calls..."

Relationship:
"I hope my parents like him! I hope I did/didn't have sex with him too early/too late. Is he as into me as I'm into him? When is he going to propose?"

Does anyone notice a trend here? Most women (and yes, even American women!) are more worried about being acceptable and desirable to their partners than they are in playing any sort of game. Life, and dating, is hard enough. Give us ladies the benefit of the doubt- it's just as hard for us as it is for you.

Kiss Me, I'm Irish!

Tomorrow is St. Patrick's Day. For some, it's a reason to hit the bars and celebrate with green beer. For others, it is actually a more somber holiday. For the enterprising flirt, it gives the perfect opportunity to reach out and touch someone (within limits, of course!)

If you didn't know, there is a "tradition" on St. Patrick's Day that you will get pinched if you aren't wearing any green. You can use this tradition as a great way to break the ice with a playful pinch to someone whom you've had your eye on for a while.

Don't pinch hard, though! A soft squeeze of the arm with your thumb and index finger is all that's necessary.

Don't pinch the privates. Note the "arm" location. However tempting, leave the buttocks pinching for when you've established familiarity.

Workplace pinching may put you in a pinch. Most companies have sexual harassment policies that include no unwelcome touches, so if it is a co-worker- ask first. "Hey, you're not wearing green. You know that you might get a pinch, can I do the honors?"

Virtually pinch! Use the holiday as a good reason to send someone a message.

Your crush is wearing green? Make yourself the target. Have something green you can take off- a scarf, sweater, etc. If your crush is wearing green, take off your green item and invite them to pinch you!

Overall, a little creativity goes a long way. Quirky and fun approaches are much more likely to get a fun and positive response in return. You can do this any day, but a little luck of the Irish might just help.

Eating With Dignity (It's harder than it sounds!)

First, I want to openly admit that I am a klutz. So eating around others has sometimes turned out for the worst and ruined more than one article of clothing.

Eating with dignity is a lot harder than it sounds (especially for the "coordination challenged") and even the most adept people can be thrown for a loop when also faced with first date jitters or the like.

DO order/make something that's not too terribly messy. Sloppy joes, slurpy pasta, lobster, and the like are probably better for another time.

DON'T order/make things that can stain if you can help it. Granted, many people will take a chance (a well-deserved one) on a glass of wine or the like. Coupling this wine with, say, an appetizer and an entree that also have bright red foods could have you ending the night looking like an axe murderer.

DON'T be afraid to order what you like but be polite. If you are paying, take into consideration that your date will be looking to you to set the average price of the entree she/he should order. If you aren't paying and your date orders a $11 entree, try to stay around that price range as well. Getting something very expensive is rude while getting something costing very little can make your date feel guilty.

DO order something "substantial" but not more than you can eat. If you are really nervous and don't think you can eat it all, eat half and ask for a to-go box or see if the waiter can give you a half portion. Try to eat something, ladies. Several polls have shown that many men get quite annoyed when their dates eat little to nothing on dates.

DON'T throw food, no matter how funny you think it is. Just trust me on this one. The exception to this is if you're at Lambert's Cafe and you're throwing a roll.

DO use your napkin and adhere to table manners in the culture of which you are presently. It never hurts to brush up on your table manners anyway.

DON'T drink and dance at the same time or your date may end up wearing your appletini.

These are just some general suggestions. If these sound like a no-brainer, then you are probably already a fairly pleasant dinner date. For the rest of us, however, a few tips and tricks never hurt.

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All conversations free

In the month of March, all conversations on Yumbunny are absolutely free. So jump on in and start messaging anyone that catches your eye. This is also a great time to get all your friends to sign up and get them in on the fun.

We're currently reviewing our plans, adding new features, and revisiting existing ones. After all, that's what you do when you're in beta. If you've ever wondered what the whole "beta" thing means, it basically means the site is in testing mode- don't be surprised to see a lot of changes. Sites (and software) often open themselves up to everyone during the beta phase so they can get feedback, see how users think of it, etc.

So please feel free to send us your feedback!

What would you like to see? Do you have any comments, suggestions, things you'd like changed? Let us know! We're listening.

Meeting for the first time

While running around the internet, I discovered the Dating Is Weird blog. It's filled with quite a few quirky dating stories and inspired this post.

First dates can be tricky- even if you've already been talking to the other person online for a while. Talking online beforehand can alleviate the pressure because you have already hit it off and hence have things you know you can talk about. This is quite different from "blind" first dates where you may hit several awkward silences as you stumble from subject to subject until you find one that works. There is, however, a unique aspect that a first date can be the first time you meet an online interest in person. Will the person act the same? What are their mannerisms? What if that spark just isn't there? All of these go through one's mind before (and often during) the course of the first meeting.

The first meeting between two people who met online should NOT be a date. This may be a bit controversial, but there's a reason behind it. First dates are hard enough without any added awkwardness of a personal meeting for the first time. If the meeting is more casual, say just going out for coffee, the pressure is alleviated because the atmosphere is more relaxed. It seems there is often a kind of pressure with online romances that the first meeting needs to "work"- especially if you click online. A first date adds the very real "first date jitters" on top of the already-present nervousness of meeting someone for the first time.

So you like someone you meet online. You talk for a while. Rather than schedule a date, just schedule a meeting- a coffee shop, a bar, a pool hall, a museum, or some other public place that syncs with something both of you like. Movies, sporting events, etc. may not be good choices because they have a set start and ending time. If it doesn't click, you want to have the option of being able to bow out politely (which would be rude to do if, say, you were in the middle of a movie). These events also aren't conductive to talking, which is pretty much necessary when meeting someone.

Now, after the meeting, the two of you might decide to take it further and turn it into a date. That option, however, is just that- an option. It's not an expectation and thus will make the experience more pleasant for everyone. Less expectations = more pleasant surprises. A comfortable first date is usually a good first date. Making a good first impression is important and taking stress off of it will be better for everyone involved. You rarely get a second chance to make a good first impression.

Saying hello

So you want to approach someone you see online for the first time...

What do you say?

While every person is different, there are definitely some things you shouldn't do.

1. Don't talk in "txt speak". Please type your words out. A lot of people (especially girls) will ignore messages that say, "how r u i m gd" or something similar. It doesn't have to be MLA perfect but a little grammar and punctuation go a long way.

2. Don't start off immediately with "loaded" conversation. While saying, "you're so hot I'd like to spread you all over my biscuit" may be flattering to some people, it's a little too forward for a first conversation. For a first-time chat, small talk is best.

3. Ask about the other person without being (potentially) insulting. GOOD: "What do you like to do on the weekends?" BAD: "I hope you don't like skiing because people who ski are idiots."

4. Don't propose. This may sound silly, but some people (guys especially, it seems) will start off a first-time conversation by telling the person that they want to marry them, want them to be their bride/groom, etc. If you really feel you need to make your intentions known, opt for saying you're looking for a long-term relationship.

5. Finally, be yourself. This may seem like common sense but some people act how the think the other person wants them to be. Just be yourself and you'll have much more success.

The Love Drug?

About three years ago, there was a good amount of buzz on the internet regarding research on oxytocin and its effects in the brain. Oxytocin, for those who aren't medically inclined, is a hormone in your body that does a bunch of stuff. It helps with memory, is critical for women in childbirth (many women are administered oxytocin/pitocin to help along labor and women produce it naturally before and after childbirth), and it also has been hailed as the "cuddle/bonding" hormone.

It is closely linked with vasopressin, another nifty hormone, that controls how much water you retain. Oxytocin and vasopressin together make for a super-bonding hormone cocktail... and both are released by both males and females during orgasm.

Another scientist recently published a paper theorizing that a love drug might not be far off in the future. Given that oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine (another "feel good" hormone) and norephineprine are already made and used medically, all it would take was an enterprising drug company and FDA approval to get a "love drug" at your local pharmacy.

The reaction he got to this was surprisingly negative by some, positive by others.

It seems love, and falling in love, is a magical process that most humans would rather science not research. The idea that love could be "synthesized" via chemical means is blasphemous to some, merely annoying to others. It is interesting that people would have such a strong reaction to this and signifies that love is more important to us than we might think.

Tinyarrows

If you've been around Twitter or Reddit at all today, you've probably seen URLs such as this:

www.➡.ws/訕

Tinyarrows (http://tinyarro.ws or www.tinyarrows.com) is the world's smallest URL shrinking service. While that fact in and of itself is probably only a concern if you're using something with a character limit (like Twitter), the fun lies in the URL itself. It's an arrow and then a unicode character at the end. A little change from the ordinary and honestly a bit more eyecatching than most URLs one sees around the web.

If you've been there, you may have also seen that Tinyarrows is one of our sibling sites. Just a fun little project to make the web a little more interesting- certainly everyone needs a little zing now and then. Sure, you can't exactly dictate it over the phone but most links seen nowadays are copy/pasted rather than typed in by someone.

As a side note, if you copy/paste the link above to someone it'll link back here to the Yumbunny blog.

We're now on Twitter now, too! Add the Yumbunny Twitter account and get little slices of Yumbunny goodness and updates daily: http://➡.ws/♥yum♥