Approach without apprehension!

I'm not really into the technical side of YB, so my weekly blog posts will be on how people react to each other, dating, and other fun social stuff. :)

One of my friends, S, recently lamented that she comes across as being unapproachable to people she meets online. S has profiles on several social networking sites and loves to meet new people. As she's a single woman, she also occasionally meets dates on there. A few times she has been told by interested guys that in online communications she comes across as cold or unapproachable.

A lot of my girlfriends, and myself included, find/found ourselves walking the Communications Tightrope with romantic interests we meet online. What's the Communications Tightrope? Well, this is the fine line between being engaging and friendly... and coming across as obsessive and needy. I have some friends, like S, that tend to stay so far away from the "obsessive and needy" end that they come across as unapproachable or cold. So it's a tightrope- you want to get across that you're interested while at the same time don't want to seem TOO interested and scare the guy away.

Being a blogger for over 8 years now has given me a good bit of insight on how to navigate this tightrope without making a big deal out of it.

Basically, when you start talking to a guy online, just stick to these basic tenants:

1. Treat it as a ping-pong (table tennis) game. He emails/IMs/texts/etc. and you "ping" him back with correspondence of roughly the same length. If he writes you a one line text, don't send him 4 texts in quick succession of 3 lines each. ;) For example, if you send him an email and he doesn't respond, wait a week before sending another one. Then, keep it simple and polite- a quick, "Hey, just wondering if you got my last email" will suffice.

2. Two strikes, not three, and you're out. If he doesn't email you back after that second, quick email it's safe to say he isn't interested. Go ahead and scratch him out of your little black book and move him into "possible friend" status. If he was into you, the second email wouldn't have even been necessary.

3. Accept when the other person's just not into you. Seriously. This is probably one of the biggest, and hardest learned, mistakes that people make. Did she ditch on you for the second time after making plans? Did he say he was going to call and then didn't for 2 weeks? When a person is into you, they absolutely will make the effort to be around you, communicate with you, and spend time with you. Don't waste your time on people who certainly aren't sparing any time for you.

As #3 is really hard to do (I know personally!), I have some tips for that, too: go out of your way to do something you've been putting off for a while. The last time I tried to get myself off a guy who didn't call, I went straight to the bookstore and bought a comedy book my friends were all raving about. I bought it, got a coffee from the in-store cafe, and started reading it. While there, I was approached by a cute and funny guy. The key here is to get out and do something for you so you don't brood about it. You're awesome- it's his or her loss!

4. First meeting? Make it safe. Always meet in a public place and tell your friends/family where you're going- and DON'T deviate from the plan without giving someone a heads-up first. Also, I recommend not making the first meeting a date- just meet in a casual way so there's no pressure to make any kind of sparks fly.

Good places- coffee shop, restaurant for dessert or brunch (dinner is too much like a date)
Bad places - bar (unless you only have a drink or two- the last thing you need is to do something you'll regret later), his house OR your house, park or wilderness area (can we say horror movie?), dance club (too loud- no room for talking)

5. Don't be afraid to flirt! Maybe you're the strong/silent type. Maybe you just don't want to act corny. Either way, you might not be coming across as very friendly. While sarcasm is awesome, being too sarcastic can come across as rudeness. Don't be afraid to be complimentary- even if it's not necessarily your thing. A kind, genuine word thrown in can work wonders. Just make sure it's sincere. If you can't find anything sincerely nice to say to him or her, uh, why are you interested then? ;)

6. Keep the conversation flowing.
Example:
"You go skiing every winter? That's great that you get to take a trip like that! =) What other places do you like to visit?"

I'm not into skiing. Joe is. Rather than just drop it dead in the water, I see something I enjoy in it (travelling) and gently move the subject from skiing to travel. At the same time, I also showed some enthusiasm for something he likes. Don't get stuck talking about yourself, or letting the conversation just die- let one subject flow into another. Not only does this help you learn more about it each other, but it keeps up a friendly vibe.

If I think of more, I'll post them but in the meantime I'd love to hear any other suggestions! :)