Today's post over at the Dating Service blog mentioned a scant few websites that have communities for single parents or cater to single parents looking for partners.
There are several reasons why a single parent would want to avoid sites like those. Having personally been in the "single parent" community in the past, I found that dating within those circles is a bad idea.
1. Don't date your support group. What do single parents complain about to other single parents? The same things- child problems, ex problems, etc. Now imagine hearing those complaints over dinner, after watching a movie, etc. Then things don't work out, and suddenly you feel uncomfortable being around a group or community where you once found support.
2. Emotional baggage- NOT a good thing to have in common. So you're a single parent. You have problems struggling with work life, home life, and possibly dealing with a problematic ex-spouse. Now take those problems and multiply them by 2. I have seen more than one relationship collapse under the stress of trying to juggle multiple children with different visitation schedules, one or more exes causing serious problems, and the other legal and emotional entanglements that come with single parenthood.
3. It isn't good for your self-esteem. One thing I noticed about single parents and dating is the high prevalence of being stressed-out and having a low self-esteem. Finding love again is hard enough without feeling that you're only "good enough" for people who have the same issues as you- and the self-esteem can suffer an even harder blow if the people you come across are feeling the same way. The key is to mix it up, to reinvent yourself. You need to break out of the "oh well, I have a kid so I guess I'll have to settle" misconception. Mingling primarily with other single parents won't do you any favors.
4. Parent does NOT equal desperate. Akin to #3, single parent communities can also encourage the "desperation" effect. Once you've fallen into the depressing "only other single parents would want me" misconception, the feelings of inadequacy turn into feelings of desperation. This, in turn, can cause you to settle for someone that isn't good for you or continually find yourself running into a "relationship brick wall" as you can't seem to find anyone that clicks with you. If you purposely single yourself out as a single parent, you are intentionally digging that rut for yourself.
5. The best person for you may not be a single parent. Several single parents, myself included, have fallen in love with and married people who didn't have children. If you limit yourself to one specific group or type of person, you're holding yourself back from finding the person who is best for you.
The best way for a single parent to approach dating is to get yourself out there and most importantly, have fun with it. Yumbunny, for instance, is just a fun way to meet new people. Sites that throw everyone into the mix actually raise your chances of finding someone who is compatible with you. The problem with sites that use cold computers to do love calculations is that a person who looks "perfect" for you on paper may drive you crazy in actuality- and those impersonal calculations will keep matching you with the same type of disaster. The more seriously you take dating, the more disappointing it will be. Keep your chin up, be optimistic, and try new things.
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