In the shadow of the old flame

It is the fear of, and the potential downfall of, every new couple: the old flame. If I had to list the top 5 reasons that couples never make it to (or far into) the relationship phase, it is due to someone with whom one of the people shares a personal history.

There are some things you can do to avoid being cast in the shadow of the flame, and avoid wasting time on someone who is pining after someone else:

1. Do your research. Find out from the other person why their other relationships didn't work and what contact they have with their exes... in a completely non-creepy way, of course. The best way to do this is casually ask what a handsome/pretty guy/gal isn't taken already and usually the person will open up a bit.

2. Don't be afraid to ask your place in line. Before even going out on a date with someone, you may want to ask how many other people they are dating- or if they are still in a relationship. Many people may not offer their relationship status but will come clean if asked directly.

3. Don't gloss over discrepancies. If something feels wrong, it probably is. If he says he's busy going to a movie and the next night takes you to the same movie, don't be surprised if he was actually somewhere he didn't want you to know about.

4. Let go before you get burned. This is probably the hardest. If you know your object of affection is fixated on someone in their past, realize there's nothing you can do to get them to look ahead. Instead, you need to change your direction. The only person you can change is yourself.

Sometimes an old romance will rekindle quickly and without warning, and in that case you just need to cut your losses and realize it's not you. It's hard to compete with someone who has a history with a person- they already know each other and there's already a level of comfort. Everyone comes with a past but it's when that past threatens the future that you need to consider the possibility that there isn't a future there at all.